How Not To Be A Corporate Pitchman

Ouch, Jared, we loved you so much! If we could eat our meatball subs and stay get skinny anything was possible!

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I’m in Sharknado 3 and I pay 14 year old girls for sex!

You dirty bastard. Prosecutors claim you found out the president of your foundation (to fight childhood obesity) was banging a 14 year old girl. That is not listed as an exercise to fight childhood obesity.

Instead of firing him, punching him, and calling the police you watched hidden-camera sex videos he had of the girl. High five! This was 2011.

Soon you thought you’d like a piece of that action. So while on our TV’s and in our sandwich shops smiling at us while we ate our meager little meals, you used the internet to set up paid sex with a 15 year old while on business trips in NYC.

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I don’t want to grow up a I’m a kid fucker

Enjoying that so much, you sick fuck, you offered her a bonus if she could find more willing 15 or 14 year olds to, ya know, sleep with the Subway guy – “the younger the better” you have been quoted as saying.

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You’ve just been punked, for life.

Wow. So this president guy, who was filming kids change clothes at charity events around Indiana, gets caught and the FBI snatches your phones, computers, hard drives, thumb drives, etc.. Your lies fell apart quickly and now you are pleading guilty to the charges of traveling across state lines to have sex with a known minor, a federal offense that can carry up to 40 years in prison.

So you plead guilty to strike a deal, and you are heading to prison already asking us for forgiveness. Please. The dust circle is still around all your signs in the damn sandwich shops. No one is forgiving you anytime soon.

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The walk of shame past the police investigation truck. Goodbye Jared, I’m sure the men in prison will appreciate your fitness level.

You paid these young teenagers a few hundred bucks for sex knowing their age and knowing this would ruin you if discovered. Now you are paying all 14 of them another $100k in damages, going to prison for 5-20 years, registering as a sex offender for the next 45 years, and will probably never be allowed in another subway the rest of your life (OK I guess that last one isn’t so bad).